


take a breath and dive in deep (i'm searching for something)

by merrylarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depressed Louis, M/M, Sad Louis, Suicidal Louis, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 10:15:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5371568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merrylarry/pseuds/merrylarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Death can be a beautiful thing. </p><p>But now it's the darkest thing Harry has ever experienced and he wants it all to stop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	take a breath and dive in deep (i'm searching for something)

**Author's Note:**

> [trigger warning for suicide attempt]
> 
> i wrote this in an hour, so sorry for any mistakes! hope you enjoy this!!

I’m so sorry. It’s not your fault, I promise. I did it and there’s no taking it back. Just remember, I’ll always love you.

Louis quickly scribbled out the chopped up sentences as fast as he could before throwing the pencil across the room and snatching up the piece of paper. He folded it haphazardly and stuck it on the refrigerator with a magnetic letter ‘L’ and walked to the front door. He turned back, said his final apology and continued to walk, letting the door close behind him.

This was it. This was the night he would finally do it. For years he spent his waking hours imagining this moment, but he could never have imagined the bit of fear that was still inside him. He knew this would happen, and yet it still scared him. Well, in less than 24 hours, none of this will matter, so he chose not to dwell on the subject of his own fear for much longer.

 

||

 

It was an hour later when Harry woke up. His hair was tangled and his mouth was dry. He looked around the room and became confused when he didn’t see the usual head of caramel colored hair lying next to him. He sat up in bed and moved his long hair out his eyes; where had his boy gone? It was extremely unusual for Louis to wake up before Harry, in fact it had never happened. Not once in their two year long relationship had Louis woke up before Harry. It was strange, and it made Harry feel a bit uneasy. 

Harry got up and walked into the hallway, which he then followed into the living room: no one. There was no one else there, it seemed. He checked the kitchen and yet again, there was nothing. Though, when he went to leave the vacant room, he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. 

There was a piece of paper held onto the fridge by an ‘L’ shaped magnet that hadn’t been there the night before when Harry went to bed. Odd. He grabbed the paper and quickly read the words that were scribbled onto it. His eyes widened in horror at what he had read.

No. No, this wasn’t happening. He promised.

He ran to the bedroom and snatched up his phone. He dialed the number of his closest friend - Liam. Harry sunk to the floor and began to sob before he could even get out a word.

“Harry, what’s wrong? What’s happening?” Liam asked in a rush. Harry tried to calm himself down enough to get out what he wanted to say, but it was hard.

“Louis,” he sobbed. “He promised.”

“No,” Liam trailed off, realizing what Harry meant.

“Li-Liam, please,, he might still be out there!” Harry screamed into the phone.

Liam rushed around his bedroom, grabbing his coat before he ran to get his shoes.

“Harry, you have to calm down. Do you know where he would have gone? Did you check the whole apartment?” Liam demanded, grabbing his car keys.

Harry hiccuped, his sobs shaking his whole body. “The Bridge, the one that crosses the river, he’d have gone there.”

“Shit,” Liam cursed. The bridge Harry was talking about was across the city, if Louis was still alive, the probability of him making it there in time was very low. “Harry, I’m going to call Niall, he’s closer, and in the meantime, I want you to call the police and send them down there.”

“Liam, please! You have to save him, please, I can’t lose him.” The last few words were barely above a whisper as Harry continued to cry, knowing that his boyfriend, the only person he had ever truly loved, was most likely dead.

Liam hung up the phone and immediately called his boyfriend, Niall. “Come on, come on, answer your fucking phone!” he screamed while the phone continued to ring. Liam ran out of his apartment and down the hall to the elevator. 

“Liam, what’s the problem? I was just about pop into the bakery on the corner, did you want anything?” Niall questioned.

“Niall, it’s Louis.”

Niall stopped walking. “Where?”

“The bridge, Harry said that’s where he’d be, but he might still be alive, you’re closer to the bridge than I am. You have to go see if he’s still there,” Liam demanded.

“Fuck, yeah, God. Fuck,” Niall cursed. Niall hung up and ran back down the sidewalk to where his car was parked. He was only a mile from the bridge; much closer than Liam or Harry were.

 

||

 

Louis chuckled as he leaned against the metal railing, looking down at the river below him. He had been out in the cold for God knows how long. He hadn’t even brought a coat, but the constant thinking he was doing kept him plenty warm enough. He didn’t know why he hadn’t done it yet. Maybe he was waiting for someone to come and save him. Or maybe he was rethinking his decision.

Okay, it wasn’t either of them. Mostly he wanted to just stand and think of the world in his new perspective. He was now looking at everything through the eyes of a man near-death. All it seemed to do was dull everything down. Now everything in the world no longer matter, why should it, he’d be dead before tomorrow.

He climbed over the railing, keeping a tight grip on the railing with his frozen fingers. He smiled as he felt his hair being whipped around by the frigid wind. There were countless cars passing by in a flash behind him, and yet not a single one had stopped to ask him if he was okay. Well, he thought, it’s not like they actually cared.

A few moments later, he hear the crunch of tires as a car pulled up to the side of the bridge. Louis turned his head just enough so he could see the familiar vehicle. It was Niall. Oh, God, Niall didn’t deserve to see him like this. Apparently Harry was awake, because there was no way Niall would otherwise know he was here. Fuck.

Niall climbed out of the car and walked slowly toward Louis.

“Louis, what are you doing?” he asked.

Louis scoffed. “What do you think I’m doing?”

“Please, you can’t do this. You have so much to fucking live for, man.”

“Give me an example,” Louis replied.

“Harry,” Niall stated. “Liam, me, your family? Huh? How do you think your little sisters are going to feel about you doing this?”

Louis turned his body around so that he was facing the railing as opposed to the open air. “If I cared what they would feel do you think I’d be doing this? No one gives a fuck about me, don’t you see, Niall?”

“What about Harry? Don’t you think he cares about you?” Niall asked.

“I told him he couldn’t fix me. He tried and it didn’t work. He had to have seen this coming.”

“That doesn’t mean it has to happen,” Niall exclaimed.  
Louis could hear sirens in the distance. He knew with almost certainty that they were for him. “Tell Harry he’s a good guy, and that I love him. Tell Liam that I appreciate all that he’s done. And Niall, thanks for being here. Now, I mean. I do feel bad though, having to watch your best friend die is traumatizing. You should probably turn around.”

“I’m not turning around, Louis.”

“Fine, suit yourself,” Louis shrugged. Louis raised his hand up in a salute. “It was a tragedy to live, and it will be a pleasure to die.” Louis fell backwards with a smirk on his face. Niall ran forward and grabbed out to him, but Louis was too far gone. 

Niall watched as his friend hit the water and went under. He was in shock. He didn’t cry, he didn’t do anything but watch. He watched for what felt like an eternity but what in reality only a minute or two. He didn’t see Louis surface. This was it. Louis was dead.

A few seconds later the police arrived, but it was too late. They always seemed to be too late. Liam arrive after them, and he pulled up behind their cars. He ran to Niall and embraced him in a hug. It was then that Niall broke. 

He cried like he had never cried before. When they stopped hugging there were large wet splotches on Liam’s shoulder from Niall’s tears. “He’s gone,” Niall cried out. Liam fought back tears of his own. 

“I have to call Harry. He needs to know for sure that he’s gone.” Niall nodded and gave Liam a bit of space. Liam pulled his phone from his pocket and called Harry. He answered on the second ring.

“Is Louis okay? Did you get to him in time?” Harry all but screamed. 

“We did, but, Harry, he’s gone. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Harry’s face dropped. “He’s dead.”

“Yeah,” Liam replied.

Harry hung up the phone and flung it across the room. No, he couldn’t be dead. He wouldn’t just Harry here alone. He couldn’t.

Harry stood up and walked to the bathroom. He stood in front of the mirror and dug around in one of the drawers beneath the sink. He grabbed the electric hair clipper that Liam had left the last time he had Harry give him a buzz cut, and plugged it in.

What was the point of having long hair if Louis was the only reason that he had it? Louis had promised him that as long as Harry kept his hair long he would stay alive. Obviously he lied.

Harry began to cry a bit harder as he brought the metal object up to his hair. He quickly ran it through his hair, over and over. He smiled as he saw more and more hair drop into the sink in front of him. He did it by feel, he didn’t want to look in the mirror before he was done, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to finish the job.

He felt around on his head, searching for the rest of his hair until he had cut it all so it now was lying at the bottom of the sink or on the tile floor.

Harry looked in the mirror and wiped his eyes. He didn’t recognize what he saw. He saw a monster with darkness in its mind and blackened eyes. 

But that was what he was now, he’d have to get used to it.

fin.


End file.
